I have decided to start a blog. Why? Well, I have a story to tell. A story of pain and suffering, grief and loss, joy and sorrow. My life has gone from the lowest of lows to the highest of highs. Through everything, the one constant has been my faith in God. In this blog, I am going to share my pain and darkest hours in hopes that even one person can be touched by my words. So, here we go…..
In the fall of 2013, I began experiencing horrible cramps and had extreme bleeding. I know, TMI, but this is part of the story. I was working too much, I had stress taking over my body, and I was dealing with a boss who made my life a living hell. In hindsight, I can say never ever let anyone have that much control over your life. Only God should have control over one’s life, nobody else. The stress made me physically ill. I developed large fibroid tumors in my uterus. My right ovary was encased with a tumor the size of a softball. After several doctor visits, we decided to do a DaVinci hysterectomy.
So up to this point, I had been in pain since the fall and the hysterectomy was not scheduled until July 2014. Finally, I had the hysterectomy. I was okay when I woke up, but I had a strong stabbing pain in my right side. I left the hospital the next day still with the same sharp stabbing pain in my right side. I mentioned my pain to my doctor at my four week check-up. He thought the pain was still part of the healing process. I was released to go back to work, but I still had the gnawing pain. At eight weeks I called my doctor back as I still had the pain. Luckily, I had pain pills from a back injury I had sustained long ago.
Over the course of the next two years, I visited 30 doctors in all. I will be paying on medical bills for the remainder of my life. I had several procedures; a colonoscopy, CT scans, MRI’s, drainage of a liver cyst, shots in my side, even a diagnosis of an autoimmune disorder. I went to every major medical center in my area. No answers.
By this time, my days were as follows: I would get up feeling pretty good as I had lain down all night. However, by 9:00 am, I was taking a Percocet. I took four before I left work. I would come home and crawl into bed with my heating pad and my animals. Weekends, I slept through. I would get up to eat and crawl back in bed. I was in a very dark place.
During this time, I wrote out my will. I wanted to die. I could not take the pain any longer. I questioned God as to why I had to endure such pain. I considered suicide. Nobody knew. I was so good at faking like I felt good that it was just a habit to paint my face and put on a smile. Stress causes depression. Stress causes pain. Stress causes illness. Many of the issues I have came across with my health has been caused by stress.
Yes, I know, give it to God. For some reason, I think that I need to have control over every situation. When you release hold of trying to control your own life, God can finally pick up the pieces and make you whole again. And he did eventually, but at the time, believe me, I prayed and I prayed, yet I was still in pain. 30 doctors and no real relief, no real answers. A few said adhesions, a few said a severed nerve, most had no idea. I closed myself off. The happy-go-lucky person that I used to be was gone. I let my depression and misery take over my life. However, for everything there is a reason.
God placed me in this situation to grow a deeper faith and belief in him. He made me grow stronger for what was coming up in my life. He knew that I would have to count on Him even more so than I had ever before. He knew. He knew all along. My pain was great, but I did find comfort and relief in prayer. He had to break me in order for Him to show me why he created me. I had to go thru that pain so that I could fulfill my purpose. In my next post I will write about my savior and my Savior.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Farm Life Rancher's Wife 